Today is one of those days. A bad dream is followed by a bad morning – how many times per week is ok to have fish when you are pregnant? And then a discussion where neither of us feel closeness. Feel good. My wife blames morning sickness – I am blaming the typhoon. At least we are not blaming each other; so easy to do when we don’t want to look inside, look at ourselves and see what it is, that is stirred by our dialogue. But we are not blaming each other; my wife is blaming her morning sickness. I blame the typhoon. All day I blamed the typhoon. The grocery store was packed – I had to queue just to get a shopping cart. And all the instant noodles were sold out (that was one thing I did not blame the typhoon for; we are not eating instant noodles when we are pregnant).
Tomorrow’s hospital appointment was cancelled. Typhoon. Meeting our relatives cancelled. Typhoon. So why not blame nutrition anxiety on the typhoon as well – so much easier to do. So convenient. Sometimes. Today is one of those days. But tonight, when I lie in bed and cannot sleep, lying next to my sleeping beauty, listening to the storm, thinking about our fears, I know that I will no longer be able to blame the typhoon. Tonight, looking at the reflection in the roof from the streetlights shining on the wet street outside the window, I know I will finally stop blaming. And instead try to understand how it is that I a day when all of life is smiling at me, how it is that I a day when my dreams are coming true and I am still awake, how it is that I am feeling like a little boy that nobody cares about.
Today is one of those days, where I will try do the work I need to do to be better prepared for you, to give myself a chance to become the best father I can be. To be able to teach you that even if it sometimes feels necessary to blame typhoons, the real storms are seldom not coming from the sea, they are more often than not coming from the past. And if you just weather them out, the next day will have blue skies and shining sun. That I know my baby.
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