the null-point of life

Looking into the eyes of a baby is going through a portal opening up to a dimension beyond what was previously possible to encounter; that is how I have felt while giving milk in a bottle to our little son, meeting his big, unwaveringly eyes. Apart from a memory of the first time my wife sat on my knee meeting my gaze, I have never in my life been so judgelessly observed, never felt so vulnerable and at the same time so full of humble assurance that yes, you can depend on me my love. In a week where I have been experiencing the deep joys of having become a father, I have also been experiencing the deep sadness of suddenly having lost my one mentor in life, and looking into the eyes of my son has connected these feelings to a circular sensation – as if I could grasp the pulsating life of the universe.

Life is energy and the essence of energy is to exist – this is the thought I am trying to cling to today. The energy of the world that radiates from deep behind the eyelids of our child is eternal, born long before existence; it comes alive in him and transforms to love in me, resonates on a level where no words exist; where our eyes meeting is my only proof of this not being a dream.

Since meeting my wife, my reason for being has transcended everything I previously knew, and this week it has been thrown into the null-point of life where both end and beginning reside. I no longer have a mentor, I no longer am a student that can depend on earthly guidance to handle the intricacies of being a human existence; instead I have become the mentor and our child, the little boy that has been entrusted us, is our protégé. This is how life is supposed to be. This is how human life lives on. But it is also a time for morning, a painful realisation of one life suddenly coming to an end.

But in the null-point of life, mourning and celebration coexist, they are mutually dependant, and a life that needs to be mourned also needs to be celebrated. I feel like the gratitude for having been part of my mentor’s life lets that life live on as a light shining on the road that lies ahead. My family – we are all three of us just starting a new journey, going where none of us has never gone before. Amid a world of thick mist and impending darkness we clearly discern the cairns of love lining the path ahead, leading us to where the pure essence of life is to be found. Looking into the future, I can feel the joy of walking through a clearing mist, walking into a beautiful dawn guided by a beacon of light from the past.

It is a happy image, a family hand in hand carrying the love of the past into a beautiful sunrise.

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